An [Ink]ling of Sorts

Doing a Nicholson.

2012-01-30T17:28:00.002+08:00

Ola. I've tried really hard to ignore this blog and start a new one but for some reason, I just keep coming back to it. Despite the fact that it's chock full of posts that painfully remind me of happier days when things were simple, honest and healthy. I miss those days. I miss not hurting so much. I miss feeling like I'm enough and that I truly matter. Sadly though, I think those days are really long gone.

Maybe, I should just throw everything away the way I'm being casually thrown away. Maybe I should just nut up and accept the cold hard fact that I have outlived my usefulness, I have been replaced and I've stopped mattering. The quicker I learn to accept these things, the quicker I can get on with my life.

I promised myself that I would never go back to being apathetic about how people treat me. I promised myself that I'm going to learn how to graciously allow people to love me for who I am. I've went and done the whole "Bah, so what?" routine and it's gotten me nothing but a few lonely years. And I don't want that again. I thrive around people, around friends. I love sharing jokes, interests and stories with people I care for. I love being there for them when the going gets tough. I love being their shoulder to cry on and I love knowing that when it's my turn to cry, I've got an abundance of dry shoulders to choose from to catch my tears.

Sadly though, that doesn't seem to be the case anymore. I guess I've passed the point of being somebody's shoulder and is now being happily used as their doormat.

People wonder why I have a low opinion of myself when they only need to look at how badly they've been treating me to know.

Empty compliments and untrue declarations of concern do not a real friendship make.

Oh and yeah... I guess I'm back.

Shedding the past.

2011-08-28T19:42:00.001+08:00

It's official. I'm single again. I think I'll stay that way for good this time. It's just easier not to trust people than to risk putting myself in that very vulnerable position again. I'm done putting my emotional and mental well-being into somebody else's hands. It's time I took the control back and keep it, for good.

I won't say I'll never fall in love again. Knowing me, I probably will, many times over. However, I don't think I'll ever risk getting into a relationship again. I don't care how lonely it'll get at times. Or how much it'll ache not to have somebody to love you right back. But I deserve never to get hurt again, and the only person that can guarantee that is me.

I still find myself having teensy crushes on people and every once in a while, the butterflies visit. And that's going to have to be good enough for me. From now on, I'm going to trust only myself. I'm only going to believe me. Because if the past three years have taught me anything, it's that people lie. When they tell you they love you, they lie. When they tell you you deserve so much more, they're lying. When they tell you they're never, ever going to deliberately hurt you - that right there is the biggest lie of all.

So from this day forward, the only person allowed to make me feel bad is me. I'm responsible for my own happiness, and nobody can ever convince me otherwise.

Here we go.

End of the line.

2011-08-27T21:51:00.000+08:00

There's just no reason to trust anybody, ever again. Everybody lies.

When I say... What I mean is...

2011-08-27T16:46:00.000+08:00

When I say, "I'm upset because you've gone hours without saying a word to me..." what I mean is, "Why is messaging me once in a while to let me know you're not ignoring me so hard for you to do?"

When I say "I'm upset because people have been taking me for granted so much these past few days," what I mean is, "I'm upset because you're blatantly taking me for granted."

When I say, "If you're not going to talk to me, then log off so I won't have to see you ignoring me..." what I mean is, "Stay and talk to me."

When I say, "I'm nobody, I'm not worth anything..." what I mean is, "I'm nobody to you and not worth your time."

I'm not sure you even read my blog anymore... I'm not sure you really cared to, to begin with. I'm not sure you mean what you say when you say you're sorry. You've apologized so many times, for the same things, over and over again. It makes me think why you just can't remember what hurts me and what makes me happy.

It's not even about being in a relationship or not being in one. It's about knowing what your friend REALLY needs from you and helping her realize that you do mean what you say and giving her what she needs isn't so much of a hardship.

Making her feel like she's less important than a stadium full of strangers with computers, or a new book, or the hassle of finding a way to talk to her doesn't help and is costing her her sanity and emotional well-being. Proving her she's wrong and that she really is important, does. And it doesn't cost a single pence. All it takes is a few texts. A few words. A few minutes.

A rant you say?

2011-07-23T22:51:00.000+08:00

I feel like writing. No, that's a lie... I actually feel like screaming. At the top of my lungs, until my voice gives out. I have so much to say but don't know how to say it without burning more bridges. It feels like I'm trapped inside my head and no matter how hard I try, I can't claw my way out.

I have work. Work keeps me sane. But everything is just falling apart and I'm getting buried under a pile of responsibilities and obligations... I can't seem to make a dent big enough to let me breathe. Even for a minute.

The small things that used to make me happy, that used to bring a smile to my face, a hundred percent guaranteed, now makes sad. And angry and frustrated.

Sometimes I catch myself staring into space. Drifting off somewhere.

Sometimes I wish I could just stay there and never, ever come back.

Racking Up the Frequent Flyer Points, eh Time?

2011-07-18T09:08:00.000+08:00

How in the world am I 39 already? Dagnabit.

Celebrating the Man...

2011-07-06T10:55:00.001+08:00

He was the early morning honking, patiently waiting in the jeep while Nanay prepared to go to the Zapote market. He was the daily guitar playing, harmonizing with my Mom as they sang Seals & Croft songs. He was the constant laughter, zinging out jokes to amuse those around him. He was the cup of coffee in the morning, afternoon and night, quietly taking everything in. He was the doting uncle, playing patiently with me and my cousins; leaving little pearls of wisdom encased in humor and lightness. He was the guy's guy, getting along with everybody he meets, making people feel that they matter, whoever they may be. He was the perennial joker, the one who could both ruffle your feathers and make you feel ten feet tall.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't think about him. About how he would encourage me to do better in his own unique way. About how much Christmas isn't the same without him gathering all the kids together to perform our little holiday numbers. About how he would quietly go about his duties and responsibilities, not needing adulation or praise.

He was a son, a brother, an uncle and a father. He was a good man.

He will forever be missed.

Book Bliss

2011-07-05T15:46:00.000+08:00

Heaven on earth ♥

Photo Break.

2011-06-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

It doesn't hurt that Shawn Smith "liked" this on my Facebook wall. I mean, w00t.

See?

All men are created equal...ly douchey.

2011-06-22T23:25:00.001+08:00

I have to remember that I hate guys; in theory I do and I always remember. But then you meet someone and they treat you like a princess and spin a tale so beautiful you can’t help but fall. And suddenly you catch yourself thinking, “Surely this one must be different, he must be the one that is going to make up for all the others, that infamous prince to the rescue. No one could possibly be that much of a sociopath.” While they are simultaneously thinking, “Wanna bet?”

Starting from the edges...

2011-06-17T19:51:00.001+08:00

I'm slowly putting myself back together again... like a giant jigsaw puzzle on steroids. It's not going to be easy. It never is. At times, I still feel betrayed... or abandoned... or guilty. My head isn't the best place to be in right now. And on top of everything, I have to deal with something extra confusing and lots annoying. All I ever wanted is to have a simple, happy fulfilled life. Heh... somehow I ended up getting the complete opposite.

Business as usual.

2011-06-16T11:13:00.000+08:00

I don't know how long I can keep this up. I don't know when I last slept. I spend the day glued to the TV or forcing myself to read or filling my journal with garbled thoughts. I didn't realize just how many normal day to day things remind me of him. I've stripped my room bare of every single thing that would send me into an emotional tailspin and put all of them in a box. Yesterday, I took the box outside to burn it only to take it inside again, rifle through its contents and fight the urge to bash every single window pane to pieces with my bare hands. I've pushed everyone I know away because I can't share this with anyone yet... how can I? How do I begin to tell people that he's moved on and I'm stuck here, broken and confused? Why can't he feel miserable like me, if only for a little bit? Why the fuck am I the only one suffering? How do I start hating someone I've known and loved for so long so I can start living again? How is this so easy for him? Why am I the only one mourning? Why is it so easy for him to stop everything? I'm on a slow downward spiral to self-destruction and I can't seem to stop.

Happily Never After.

2011-06-16T00:26:00.001+08:00

I lost count on how many times I picked up my phone today to text him because I saw something or thought of something that I wanted to share with him... only to remember that we're broken up. I need for all this to end soon. I need to forget. I need to stop torturing myself and just get it over with. It's not going to get any better, ever again. Who am I kidding? This was my last chance at a normal, happy relationship... despite it being abnormal because of the distance... Heh... it's not like I went into it not knowing there was an expiration date... I just didn't count on it being this painful. If I had just stuck to my guns and kept it simple, before I got too involved.. you know that saying, "tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" whoever said that is completely and utterly full of shit... because if you're not gorgeous, sexy and rich... if you're just a below average woman with absolutely no redeeming values, then love is just another fucked up four letter word... because you'll never be enough... never be worth fighting for. Ever.

Oh what fresh hell is this?

2011-06-14T20:56:00.000+08:00

I feel the need to vent. I just don't know where to start. To be honest, I don't even know what happened. It's like I woke up and BAM! Just like that, my whole life was turned upside down. I don't know who to blame, I don't know what to blame them for. I just know that I'm hurting and alone. Utterly and completely alone. How did that happen? Work has been keeping me busy but today's the last day and I'm not entirely sure what to do with myself the moment I hit send. Everything, absolutely everything reminds me of the pain. I can't play my games, I can't read my books... I can't. God... you'd think I'd be too old to feel like this. Short of putting everything that serves as a reminder of what I lost inside a box and burning it, I'm not sure what else to do. To stop all the memories, all the habits formed. I need to get away but from what? And where do I go? How can I get away from the memories? Doesn't matter who I'm with or what I'm doing, when the memories come, I just crumble and spend the next hour curled up in bed, crying my eyes out. What the hell is wrong with me? Surely, I can get over this too, right? I've done it before... I've fallen in love, gotten hurt and left and I survived. Fuck. How do I do it this time? When the one who left me now is the one who saved me before? What the fuck do I do now? God. I'm surrounded by memories. They're just everywhere. Inside my head, in my room... my closet, my phone... everyfuckingwhere! Do I get rid of everything? Or do I suffer through the memories and hope that someday, they'd be so faded, I won't have a hard time pushing them to the back of my mind where they belong? When does this end? I need the pain to end now... not in the future... not way down the road. NOW. And the most painful part of all this? I'm alone in my pain because I'm the only one who lost someone I love. The realization that all he lost was an unpleasant distraction is killing me. How do I get over that? And the next person who tells me there's somebody out there for me will get gutted with a hunting knife. I need my anger. I need to feel rage. I need something to hold on to so I won't keep crumbling and losing it. I need everything to stop so I can start. Again. Without him. God, kill me now.

Fin.

2011-06-13T22:16:00.003+08:00

If I had the heart to completely delete this blog I will... but I'm afraid, I'm not brave enough to remove everything that reminds me of how happy I used to be in one fell swoop. Maybe I'll do it slowly over the next few weeks... maybe I'll wake up one day and suddenly have the courage to finally flip the page and start all over again... who knows really?

If there's anything this whole experience has taught me it's that everything ends. Everything. No matter how tight you hold onto something, eventually, you'll lose it. And no amount of wanting, wishing, hoping will get it back once it's gone.

Especially if you lost it because it left you.

Hi, my name is Sybil. 'Sup?

2011-05-30T18:34:00.004+08:00

Ola mi enamoradas!

Work has been keeping me busy these past few weeks but I did manage to have some well deserved rest too, so dontcha worry. I got a lot of miles in me yet. I can still learn new tricks, yo! This girl still has got a lot to say and a lot to do.

Drowning in internetisms yet? Let's throw in some OH NOES, w00t w00ts and KTHNXBAIs in there too just to be safe.

So yeah, lots of work to do. Managed to get my hands on some really great books (ze boyfriend will drop a nut that I didn't crop him out of ze picture... tsk tsk) and finally caved in and got the boxset for The Hunger Games. Which I won't get to read until my work load eases up... so maybe next week. We shall see. I also got Memnoch the Devil by Anne Rice, Perks of Being a Wallflower (Fi-nuh-lly!) by Stephen Chbosky, Chesapeake Blue by Nora Roberts and Paper Cuts by Pam Pastor. Runs the gamut, eh? Was gonna get Astigirl by Tweet Sering but dayuuum, it was 'spensive!

I forgot the unspoken rule of buying an article of clothing every time I get paid. Blergh. I've got to remember next time. To be fair though, I have more important things to use ze monies for. Yes, books are important! Durr.

Ze mind is all over ze place. I don't even know why I keep using ze. Whazzup wid joo brain?

What the frak... I promise, I am a literate, educated woman. Despite those them words up there. Urgh... it just won't stop.

Anyway, until then... eres mi vida.

Rush. Rush.

2011-05-14T15:45:00.003+08:00

To say that I'm swamped with work is putting it mildly. For the past week, I've been mainlining caffeine by drinking tons of Coke and boosting my flailing system by snaffling down chocolate and anything that is practically made out of sugar.

Todays boost comes from Gatorade, halo-halo, Mini Oreos and packets of KitKat Bites. Halo halo is a Filipino dessert made with shaved ice, sweetened fruits, candied beans, taro jam, ice cream, tapioca, slivers of flan, milk and sugar. Literally translated, Halo halo means Mix mix because well... you know why.. unless you haven't been paying attention or just... well, anyway... so my kid goes out to get my mom and I two tumblers of the sweet icy concoction.

Soon as it arrived, I began scooping out the sweetened fruits, the ice cream, the taro jam and the candied beans into my mom's cup. She remained silent throughout the process but when I was finished fishing out the stuff that I didn't like and dumping it into her cup, she looked at me and said, "You should've just bought shaved ice and dumped milk and sugar in it."

Ha! Maybe next time. Gotta go write some more now. See you when I surface next... IF I surface at all. Sigh.

Getting my bookworm on.

2011-04-18T14:11:00.000+08:00

While I can't COMPLETELY give up going online for Lent because of work, I made sure I have enough time to get down and dirty with my beloved books. My goal this week is to read 4 books in 2 days. Sadly not all of them will be new books but this week is as good a time as any to revisit some of them.

My booklist is as follows:
Indulgence in Death by JD Robb
Naermyth by Karen Francisco
Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
Going Down by Jennifer Belle

Runs the gamut from murder mystery to fantasy with a dash of witty kink.

This is going to be a good week.

Well this is just dandy...

2011-04-07T13:18:00.000+08:00

So much has happened. Quite a bit of happy mixed with the more prevalent sad.

Also, I'm just finding out that I'm still not quite ready to write about it all.

Apparently, right now, all I can get myself to share can be summed up in 149 characters or less.

Brag Swag

2011-03-24T13:43:00.000+08:00

♥

Twofers.

2011-03-14T20:40:00.000+08:00

This seems to be a day for double entendres...

me: I should really make a to do list.
him: as long as I'm the only guy on it.

♥

Bitesize Blogging

2011-03-14T13:33:00.000+08:00

Quick recap:

I have 3 new kids - James, Ellie and Ben. The stork dropped them off a few days after V-day.
Was quite sick for a bit but definitely better now.
Still in love with my Ducky...
Keeping busy with work and play.
Met up with friends and had fun.
Added a few more chapters to the book.
Writing a rough draft for a different book idea.

Living life and making the most out of it.

Remembering the man.

2011-02-06T15:47:00.002+08:00

For five wonderful years...

I was the light of his life.
The skip in his step.
The smile on his face.
The twinkle in his eyes.

He was my champion.
My indestructible hero.
The only one whose approval mattered.
Whose presence I still crave for.

He was my world as I was his.

I miss him.

Shelf Life

2011-01-30T03:10:00.000+08:00

It's the little things that make me happy. :)

An unusual farewell...

2011-01-29T12:41:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, the strap of one of my very first pair of Havaianas flip-flops broke. I wasn't even walking or doing anything when it did. I was sitting casually in front of my computer, swiveling slightly on my chair using my feet to keep me anchored on the spot when I felt the strap go *snap*...

I looked down and this inexplicable wave of sadness hit me when I saw that the strap snapped off. I've had this pair for six long years. I've walked, played, run, skipped and danced with it on. It has served me well....

I also bought it during happier times when life was still uncomplicated. Maybe this means that I too should just stop hoping, stop holding on to the thought of being that happy again. Maybe it breaking means that it's time for me to completely let go of the past and just move on.

Time for a new pair... a new life. Time to walk, run, play, skip and dance wearing something different, something new. Time to hope for something else...

Goodbye old friend. I will miss you but it's time for me to move on. I won't ever forget you but a new friend awaits with new adventures to take and new memories to make.

Excess Baggage

2011-01-22T15:30:00.001+08:00

I love bags. I never go out without some sort of bag perched happily on my shoulder, moving along with me as I brave the cruel, cruel world.

I love my bags weird, huge, floppy, and hobo-ish. I don't like 'em rigid and boxy and frou-frou-ish. There's just something special about a bag that's weird enough it's bordering on one of a kind, huge enough to fit any of your friends in and make 'em feel like they're traveling first class and floppy enough that it can also serve as an emergency security blanket for those unexpectedly depressing moments.

My favorite kind of bag is the hobo bag. Whenever I walk past a store and spot a hobo bag, I stand transfixed for a few minutes, daydreaming about the many wonderful adventures I can go on if only I had one. And if I have enough money, you can bet your ass I'mma take that bag home with me and love it, and hug it and call it MINE.

To date, I have about 18 bags and I'm nowhere near finished hoarding more.

♫ Let's hear it for the boys ♪

2011-01-16T22:15:00.002+08:00

I can't believe it. I finally had a day out with my guy friends after a gazillion years! I have forgotten just how fun it is to just hang out with them and eat like pigs and laugh like loons.

First, Herbert, Christian and I went in search of new toys for me (of course) because well, I needed new toys from Secret Fresh. After getting lost for a bit, we finally found the toy place and got me 2 new plushies. Score! We're going back to get Herbert this really cool shirt. Maybe next week. We shall see.

Then we drove back to meet up with Marc and Jorest at ArmyNavy where we proceeded to stuff our faces with the best burgers in town. The burrito and onion rings weren't half bad too. Thing was, none of them thought it was wise to tell me that eating an ArmyNavy Double Burger meant downing half a pound of meat. At the end of the meal, I was too full to even speak. So we walked off the huge meal we had then decided half an hour later that we now have room in our already stuffed stomachs for frozen yogurt.

I ♥ YO has one of the best frozen yogurts I've ever tasted. I had Strawberry with CHUNKS of strawberry in it and I was humming the entire time I was inhaling it. YUM. Finally, because we (well, mostly the boys) thought we needed to eat some more, we headed off to another friend's house to have dinner there.

We are pigs. Happy pigs but pigs nonetheless.

Wonder when we're going out next....

And a dance.

2011-01-05T00:45:00.001+08:00

While I was watching Bones earlier, I had a little epiphany. Towards the end, when Booth and Bones were having their post-case drink he made a wish for her.... He wished that she would have happiness in her life. And he defined happiness as love, laughter, purpose and a dance.

And that got me thinking... whether or not I have happiness in my life. I have love... I have laughter but I'm not sure I have purpose. And that's just sad seeing as I'm practically an old crone. So this year will be dedicated to the sole err... purpose of finding my purpose in life. {I'm sorry but there's really no other way to reword that sentence.} 2011 is the year that I will find my purpose. And if I am lucky and blessed enough to succeed, I will make sure that I serve that purpose for the rest of my life. Anyway, so yeah.

I have the love. I have the laughter. I will my find my purpose. And at the end, I will have that dance. And I shall be truly and completely happy.

2011, ready or not, here I come.

2011-01-01T02:18:00.002+08:00

I still resolve to stop having so many hang ups about the way I look. I will, however, promise to take better care of myself this year. I will watch what I eat and geroffmyfatass and exercise more.

I'm going to dance again. And nothing's going to stop me.

Two Fwont Teef

2010-12-26T14:49:00.000+08:00

Things are still a bit hectic so until I'm finally able to catch my breath...

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to everybody!

Sibling Nuttery.

2010-12-20T22:52:00.001+08:00

I wish I could say this was a "once in a blue moon" thing... unfortunately, we're this nuts every single day since we were born.

Death by Photobooth

2010-12-18T19:34:00.000+08:00

Because apparently, I need MORE reasons to feel like an idiot.

Head vs. Wall

2010-12-07T12:39:00.001+08:00

What NOT to do while you're in a fight with your girlfriend:

1. Do not come up with reasons and explanations WHILE she's still ranting. During the heat of the moment, your explanations while valid, will only come off as EXCUSES. Let her run out of steam, wait for her to calm down and THEN explain yourself. She's more likely to listen to you and understand your point of view when she's not seeing red.

2. Never point out that she's done the same stupid thing you've done to piss her off. That's just asking for more trouble. Again, wait for her to calm down and then point out as nicely as possible that she's expected to follow the same rules she's set for you. Waiting for the right time may take a while but it's a small price to pay to shorten the fight by days or weeks.

3. Never, under any circumstance, let her see or hear you compliment another woman unless the woman in question is closely related to you by blood. To do so while you're fighting is monumentally STUPID and insensitive. Unless of course your objective is to be the biggest jackass in the world to get her to break up with you. If so, then success is just around the corner.

4. Don't correct her grammar, spelling or typos while fighting. Don't correct her period. That will just fuel her anger. Sometimes letting a woman rant and rave uninterrupted is the fastest way to defuse her anger.

5. Never ever try to calm her down by suggesting anything remotely sexy or naughty in nature. That will just make her feel cheap and destroy any chance of you ever getting her in bed again.

And lastly but most importantly... NEVER be glib or attempt any tongue in cheek humor while your woman is pouring her heart and soul out to you. That is totally disrespectful of her feelings. Not to mention the fact that by taking her feelings lightly, you are validating her fears and insecurities. And showing her what a complete emotional moron you are.

What TO DO while you're in a fight with your girlfriend.

1. Think BEFORE you say or do anything. Think long and hard.

2. THINK AGAIN.

Tastes Like Chicken AND Rainbows.

2010-12-04T19:17:00.000+08:00

This is the one and only item on my Christmas list. Yes, I am weird. Yes, this borders on the macabre. Yes, there's a huge possibility that I'm never getting this for Christmas.

But a girl can dream. And dream she shall.

I was born to own this. Unicorn meat is MY destiny.

Frosted. Floral. Feminine.

2010-11-29T01:18:00.000+08:00

I've always been proud of the fact that I'm no girly girl. I don't make a fuss about make-up, dresses, jewelry and all the other frou frou crap that come with all things female.

I like wearing t-shirts, jeans and beat up old Chucks. I don't squeal, I am not familiar with designer handbags and purses, I tie my hair up without caring if I look like I'm about to tackle a month's worth of laundry AND I can barely tolerate anything pink... despite my heroic efforts to pretend otherwise.

So... when my boyfriend decided to surprise me with pictures of frost-kissed flowers that he took just for me, I morphed into something I've been trying to suppress my entire life - a girl.

And I am ok with that.

Drive By Blogging

2010-11-22T23:58:00.002+08:00

This is going to be real quick so don't blink!

I'm doing better. I'm bonding with the Squid. I am still in love with the most awesome man in the universe. My boys are still off their rockers but adorable nonetheless. I saw a man almost get beaten to death by an angry mob.... aaaaaaaand...

I had cold pizza for breakfast.

Will post more tomorrow or the next day when I have more time. Right now, I am off to bed.

Princess Penelope, AFK.

Sidless Sourgraping.

2010-11-16T01:43:00.000+08:00

I miss the little Squid. We finally had to give him back to his Mom and Dad because they miss him too.... but dagnabit, I miss the little bugger so much.

I haven't been this in love with a baby since... forever. My Elijah's 17 and he's gone way past cute and adorable AGES ago. I may have been this crazy over my niece Soleil but I doubt it. I mean, it's totally different with Squid.

I have patience... oodles and oodles and oodles of patience with Squid. I had N-O-N-E with the other kids. Absolutely none. With Squid, I'm more hands on.. more involved. More playful, more attentive... more everything. That doesn't make me a horrible aunt, does it? I mean I love all the other kids but... I love Squid the most, I guess.

How can I not?

Look at that face and tell me you're not already head over heels in love with him.

P.S. It goes without saying that I am also head over heels in love with my three fluffy boys - Percy, Arnie and Squishy.

Rainy days and Thursdays...

2010-11-11T14:19:00.000+08:00

Always makes me bust out in song. Why do I always feel the need to go mellow every time it rains? Mellow songs, feel good movies, comfort food...

Today's more than just a rainy day though... today's a sick day too. I twisted my ankle last night AND my immune system decided to bog down so I have the flu too. Usually, that would be enough to make me hate the world BUT... Mom took care of me, made me soup, busted out the comforter and kept me company while I was shivering the sickies out of my body.

And I had the boys snuggled up with me.

See? I can turn my own frown upside down. So there. ♥

A Room with a View.

2010-11-04T04:35:00.001+08:00

So today was spent in a room with the most amazing view.

Bazinga.

That statement would only be true IF amazing really meant dreary and view meant blank wall. Nonetheless, fun was had. I finally had time to catch up on my reading plus I got to spend a few hours just laughing my brains out with a friend.

Mostly, I'm just glad to be alive, semi-well and kicking. 2 out of 3 ain't bad, all things considering.

Urgh. My thoughts are so fragmented and all over the place.

Alrighty then.

Princess Penelope, AFK.

Hey, Toby!

2010-11-02T02:43:00.002+08:00

It's official. I am a Big Bang Theory addict. I've watched all the seasons over and over again. I know most of Sheldon's zingers. I can rattle off plots and characters and their backgrounds. I'm a veritable lexicon of everything BBT-ish.

Like I said, I'm a geek and proud of it. However, I'm proudest of the fact that I've somehow rubbed off my borderline fanaticism on my mother and kid. At odd times, we would be rattling off one liners or particularly funny repartee at each other. Mom would be Leonard, my son would either be Raj or Howard and I'd always, always be Sheldon. For some reason though... no one wants to be Penny.

Anyway, so lately we've all been calling each other Toby. Or Angie. Depends really. All I know is, there is fun to be had every time we bust out the BBT.

So, I'm off to TRY and watch the latest episode of BBT online because the option to download it has mysteriously disappeared. Drat.

Just call me Ms. McGrabbyhands

2010-10-21T15:24:00.002+08:00

I can't count the number of times I've literally hyperventilated over gorgeous handcrafted goodies or marvelous books that I've come across on the wonderful world wide web. And since my boyfriend only acknowledges the existence of plushies when it's about our boys and all my girlfriends are busy being mommies or amazing career women, I thought it'd be a good idea if I shared my lovely finds with you... yes you.

I guarantee you'll find something you're going to like (or maybe even love) too by the time you get to the last item on my list.


Best Hobo Bag Ever.

What can I say? I'm a tunic kind of girl...

Because I do.. I really do.

Spock = Sheldon = ♥


Mmmmbrains. Err I mean, tea.

Oh... sheets ♥

So... found something you like? I will strive to do one of this as consistently as I can but it's common knowledge that I have the tendency to get distracted easil... oooh look at this:


Simply gorgeous, innit?

Yeah, yeah that's a dress. There are days when I allow myself to be a girl. Get over it already. But yeah, anyway... my inspiration for this post is Mrs. French over at bliss. Her I heart Monday posts are just overflowing with pretty, amazing things. Most of the stuff I have here, I saw on her blog first. I look forward to her posts. I hope one day, you'll look forward to mine too.

There's always a first time for everything...

2010-10-20T16:48:00.000+08:00

Ok. So despite being teased mercilessly by my man and his sons, I'm going to stick with this color scheme for a bit. I still maintain that it's NOT pink. Only pinkish. Big difference. Although, now that I think about it... the background art looks like the Kool Aid mascot met a Rorschach test and they went buck wild loony on each others' asses.

I have a warped, warped mind.

Anyhoo... changing the blog design is the first step to a more difficult undertaking - changing the tone of this blog. Until recently, most of my posts have been borderline manic-depressive. Or just plain reeking of negativity and angst. Well, this is a conscious effort to shift towards a more positive outlook.

Oh I'll still be the sarcastic, mean bitch everybody has grown to love (hate?) but I'll be making more of an effort to post about the positive things. AND post on a more regular basis. Which really, on top of the original plan, is a HUGE undertaking in itself.

But, I shall persevere. I shall move forward. I shall revel in the pinkness of it all.

See? Positive thinking. I suspect I'll sound more sincere as time goes by. Meanwhile, hold my hand and tell me I can do this, ok?

Two steps east of weird.

2010-10-16T09:34:00.001+08:00

It's official. I can't visit etsy without going into a mild Igottahavethis anxiety attack. Everything is just so... drool-worthy. My bookmark library is bursting at the seams with err... bookmarked etsy pages, crafting blogs and flickr profiles. I spend hours clicking on links, right-click-saving-image-as on pictures of oh so wonderful things and mentally kicking myself in the ass for not paying attention to my high school Home Ec teacher. Had I listened... sigh. Hindsight is indeed a pain in the ass.

Some women dream of Mr. Right on one knee, velvet box in hand, sparkling diamond engagement ring inside. I dream of Mr. It Took You Long Enough on one knee, velvet box in hand, Amigurumi Carnival Clown Cake engagement ring inside. See the big difference? Thing is, I would hands down, no doubt be happier than most women because my man gets me enough to splurge $24.50 plus shipping on a ring that I'd cherish more than any diamond ring in the world.

Still the same dream, only slightly skewed. And tons better.

Some women dream of meticulously interior decorated condos, with modern impressionist paintings hanging on some walls and central air conditioning. I dream of a studio loft haphazardly decorated with handcrafted plushies and modern flea market finds. With a room specifically for my collection of Shawnimals (dagnabit that's a legitimate word! stop telling me it isn't!) that will undoubtedly be legion and amazing.

Again, the same dream, only slightly odd. And loads better.

I'm never going to outgrow this intense love I have for all things small and just two steps east of weird. And that is just fine with me.

Delirium. Madness. Rage.

2010-10-08T15:45:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, don't you just feel like screaming at the top of your lungs? For no real reason, if only to exhale. Vent. Release.

Do you catch yourself feeling as if you're churning with anger, literally seconds away from spewing venom that's been eating away inside of you?

I know some people who could take their anger and channel it towards something positive. Something beautiful and calm. If you look at them closely, you could see them struggle and win over the rage. Their expressions going from agonized to serene.

I'm different. I take all that anger, all that negativity and just let it fester. I don't let go of it. I don't try and channel it into something positive and calm. No. I hold it in and I hold it in and then one day just let the fury unleash.

And then some poor unsuspecting schmuck would get his heart ripped out because he misspelled my name or spilled a drink somewhere within a 2 mile radius of where I actually am or... I don't know... breathe.

I inherited the fury from my father... it lives inside me. It didn't die along with him. In fact, I think he left me all his unreleased rage and now I'm just a ticking time bomb ready to explode.

Inspire. Move. Awaken.

2010-09-29T13:46:00.000+08:00

I'm stuck in a rut. Day in and day out, everything is just an identical, slow motion blur of all the other yesterdays.

I need something that will inspire, motivate and awaken me. I need my creative juices to start flowing again. I haven't written anything in a long while and it's not for lack of trying. I have unfinished stories waiting with baited breaths...begging for their happily ever afters.

It pains me that I can't seem to get motivated enough to climb out of my rut and break free of this overwhelmingly addictive monotony.

I need to write. I need to sing. I need to dance. I need to live.

Now.

Here.. have a Squid.

2010-09-20T01:23:00.002+08:00

When all else fails, a little bit of cute goes a long, long way....

I promise to post more soon.

Sunday Sillies

2010-09-05T14:50:00.000+08:00

When all else fails, get your plush babies, your silver Christmas crown and your camera phone and go buck wild loony.

38 is the new 12.

Love, your Number One fans. ♥

2010-08-31T12:53:00.001+08:00

My love,

The boys and I wanted you to know that we love you and that you're aces in our book.

Thank you for keeping our little "family" together and for always fighting to keep it that way. There is not a day that goes by we don't count ourselves lucky that we have you in our lives.

Sure, we're quite a handful, the boys and I, and we know we test your patience most days but do know that we will go to the ends of the earth for you just to make you smile.

Some people may think we're a bit cuckoo for thinking what we have is a real family but so what? Who says we can't be real? We have love, we have fun and most of all, we have each other and that's what a family is all about.

We love you baby... the boys and I. However, and I think the boys will agree, I love you the most. I can't begin to list down just how much I do.

My heart and my mind is full of you. When I come across something funny or interesting, you are the first person I want to share it with. When I am sad, it's your arms that I want around me. When I'm happy or proud of something I've done, I want you to be proud of me too because you matter my love.

These days, despite the overwhelming number of reasons to stay sad and hopeless, I am with hope and my heart is full of smiles.... because of you and the boys. We are yours, always and only.

Always and only...

2010-08-31T04:20:00.001+08:00


He is mine.

It shouldn't be this hard, should it?

2010-08-16T18:25:00.000+08:00

People often say that love is easy when it's real and that when it's true love, it is nothing short of perfect. There's no drama, no late nights spent worrying about the small stuff. Just pure, unadulterated bliss.

Maybe it's the cynic in me but if that's the case, then true love doesn't exist. That or it exists but wouldn't know how to find me if there was a big, pulsating red arrow pointing at me.

I've come to realize that all my (failed) relationships only had one thing in common. Me. Maybe there's something in me that turns decent, honest men into cheating, manipulative sons of bitches.

I am a mess of conflicting emotions.

This is me flailing my arms.

2010-08-01T20:42:00.000+08:00

I'm alive. I am well. I am loved. Just extremely preoccupied with other stuff.... which is a euphemism for extreme laziness. Bite me.

Also... I'm mouse hunting like crazy... so shhhhh be vewwy vewwy quiet.

38.

2010-07-18T00:49:00.000+08:00

Well... 47 minutes into my 38th birthday. So far, so good. Let's keep it that way, shall we?

Well isn't that just fine and dandy?

2010-07-13T16:02:00.000+08:00

"It has nothing to do with you."

I've got to get that tattooed on my forehead soon.

Seriously, who comes up with this shit?

2010-07-11T15:00:00.002+08:00

Last night, I finally went out with friends to dinner and a movie. With this particular group, oftentimes, the movie isn't as important as the time we spend together seeing as we each have families, work or in short, lives to live.

So we saw Eclipse. It's bad enough that I have to sit through Kristen Stewart's awkward "acting", I had to suffer in relative silence as the dialogue got cheesier and more idiotic with each passing minute. Thank goodness I was with friends who made the whole 2 hours and 5 minutes bearable and funny.

I'm not going to pretend I didn't read the Twilight series. I did. And the romantic fool in me couldn't help but sigh in reverent longing.

BUT.

It's bad enough that the book has robbed all vampires and werewolves of their "street cred", did they really have to give the characters such craptastic dialogue?

"Besides, we both know I'm hotter than you..." ::gag::

And man... that's one ugly wolf pack. Ugh.

The one good thing about the movie? Dakota Fanning.

Take a bow.

2010-07-09T09:19:00.001+08:00

::shake shake shake::

::wiggle jiggle bop bop::

::tap tap kick kick split::

::twirl whirl pirouette jazz hands::

Now, on to the day.

All I am saying... is give peace a chance.

2010-07-07T15:20:00.000+08:00

If and when I find the imbecile who started the slow bastardizing of the culturally relevant peace sign into today's slutty skanks' standard hand sign in pictures, I will take said imbecile and shove his fingers so far up his ass, he won't be able to do the peace sign without doing permanent damage to his cerebral cortex.

It was cute for the first two minutes. After that, unless done specifically to make fun of all the gargantuan fucktards who insist on flashing the peace sign for their own photographic purposes, it's just sad.

People, it's not cute, it's not hip and for fuck's sake, it makes you look retarded.

While I'm on the subject of fucktardom, the duck face and the whatever the hell thing you do where you pucker up your lips instead of just smiling like a normal, intelligent person ALSO makes you look like someone shoved a ten foot pole up your ass and into your brain.

Stop it. For humanity's sake. STOP IT.

A squiggly, snuggly Squid and his 'stache.

2010-07-06T11:47:00.000+08:00

Squidly's here. Perfect timing too. I get to take care of him AND introduce him to my newest baby, Arnold. By the way, everyone's been calling him Arnie and he's not complaining so I guess I better get with the program too....

Squidly has the measles so he's a bit cranky. Which is fine as it gives me an excuse to carry him all the time. I just love how his little head fits perfectly on my shoulder... and how his tiny little arms sort of try and reach around my neck. Mmmm snuggly Squid.

Things are still dicey between me and the boyfriend. I'm crazy about him sure, but sometimes... sigh. It would really help it if he remembers stuff I've told him before so he won't keep apologizing when things go wrong.... saying sorry only goes so far. And sooner or later, it's not going to be believable anymore... you know?

Anyway, I finally got the Keeper's Candle so I'm hanging out at the Forbidden Grove for a bit... just to see if I can catch me some cool mice... then I'll probably go back to the Catacombs and farm for more gold.

Take your Rorschach and shove it.

2010-07-04T13:11:00.001+08:00

Yes, my mother had me tested and no, sadly, I am not crazy.

Truth be told, I wish I was. Crazy is definitely more interesting and fraught with excitement than ordinary. However, I'm not too fond of the crazies' haute couture. I don't look good in white. Never have, never will.

Digression: I remember when I was in grade school and dutifully enrolled by my parents in a private, unwavering Catholic school... every first Friday of the month (or was it last? Egads, I've forgotten!) we were required to wear this godforsaken white gala uniform with long sleeves, and buttons designed to close off every imaginable breathing orifice. Suffice it to say, I hated Fridays as much as I hated Mondays.

Unflattering outfit aside, I'd still like to be crazy than ordinary in any given day. It's empowering when people don't know what to expect from you. They look at you with curious interest and hopeful bewilderment. Isn't that better than have them look at you as if they're saying, "Ho-hum. Next!"

Admittedly, I think my friends already think I'm crazy. Huh... maybe that's why I haven't been seeing so much of them lately. Bah, who needs friends when you have two strong-willed plush toys who just can't get along? Have you ever tried getting in the middle of two fighting plushies? One of which is a ninja! True, his shurikens are made out of felt but still.

I digressed again, didn't I? Dagnabit! I hate it when that happens.

Hmmmm... butterflies.

Hey Arnold!

2010-07-03T13:12:00.001+08:00

Meet Arnold... my newest baby. Don't ask me where the name came from... I'm just in charge of loving them... the boyfriend is in charge of naming them.

Percy, my other baby, isn't too happy with this newest addition to the growing brood of Shawnimal plushies but sooner or later he'll get over himself and start loving Arnold too.

*bliss*

New Post. Click.

2010-07-02T14:35:00.003+08:00

I feel like I won the lottery or something. I've found my voice again and I am THU-RILLED! What to say first? Who shall I skewer with my wit sans disclaimer? I want to say everything that has been bubbling just beneath the surface of my soul.

Ok, ok... I need to pace myself and do this a post at a time. I can't be tripping all over myself and just willy nilly say everything all at once.

First off, I just want to say... my typing skills have gone down the drain. Ugh. I keep having to hit backspace because I mistyped something. C'est la vie. I'll get it together soon enough I suppose.

Man, I need a PAUSE button for my brain.

So, in short order. Percy has a mini-blog within my blog... which right now is in its rough stages unfortunately. Hopefully the boyfriend can help me fix it because again, I am CSS-retarded. Thank Tallulah for point and click formatting! Speaking of the boyfriend... today is his birthday so I'mma be in my best behavior. Gotta give him lots of love, ya know?

One sec while I flip through my mental notebook... I'm looking for stuff I can talk about in short bursts of meaningful words. Bah. Why must I write the way I speak? Oh well. Did I say that yet? No? Good. Moving on.

Oh yeah... almost forgot... in a few weeks it's going to be my birthday too and the boyfriend, being the loving, most generous, amazing guy that he is, got me a slew of Shawnimals stuff. Oh hush auto-correct... Shawnimals is a legitimate word goshdarnit!

I hate auto-correct.

There ought to be some sort of drug I can take or program I can enroll in that would help me curb my annoying habit of digressing so much.

On to the Laboratory! Gotta catch me a few more Bionic Mice. Need those rb pots so bad.

tap tap Is this thing on?

2010-07-01T23:33:00.002+08:00

To say I've been negligent is an understatement. My lack of posts have nothing to do with me being busy or preoccupied with more important stuff... the only reason I've not posted in AGES is pure and simple laziness.

I just couldn't be arsed.

That and I somehow lost my voice. Again. I feel like I have nothing more left to say. But that's not true. I have so much more I want to write about... so much more that I want to rant and rave about and I just need to find the drive and inspiration to get off of my ass and just do it.

Maybe this is it though. Maybe this post is the start of another round of ranting and raving and inspired lunacy. I hope so. I missed this. I really did.

Oh and new design! Thank you Blogger Gods for listening to my silent prayers. I'm psyched!

Look out world... here I come! (Again...)

Just so you know...

2010-03-02T22:33:00.003+08:00

Me and my boy. Holy crappola I'm old.

An open letter.

2010-02-18T23:24:00.000+08:00

Dear 2010,

What the frak did you do to me? These days, I can't be arsed to do anything... at all. I can't write. I'm too lazy/tired/uninspired to create something... anything.

Damnit 2010, I demand that you give me back my motivation, right now!

Don't make me go postal on your ass.

Not your biggest fan,

Me

Mmmmbrains. Grawr.

2010-02-17T18:58:00.004+08:00

Want to know what I've been up to?

Apparently, nothing much.

Can't be arsed.

2010-02-15T02:16:00.005+08:00

Life is too complicated to write about so here's a picture of Squid...

Heart, Sleeves, Rip.

2010-01-05T01:57:00.002+08:00

How is it that right after I click on "New Post" I immediately forget things that I want to write about? Or, as soon as I decide to write about what's been weighing heavily on my mind, my train of thought goes so far out of track, you can suddenly find it orbiting the earth. So aggravating. Growl.

Right now I'm staring at the screen, desperately racking my brain so that the words would somehow realign themselves to form coherent sentences. Such luck no. (Oooh look, I made a funny...)

Ok, I give up. Apparently, my brain is on hiatus. Maybe later. Or maybe I just need to write everything down on paper first. Sigh.

All that's for certain right now is that I've fallen and I can't get up. Help.

Well that was quick.

2010-01-04T19:11:00.001+08:00

2010 - 1, CJ - 0

Light the corners of my mind.

2010-01-02T21:38:00.004+08:00

2009... saying goodbye to you will be bittersweet. You will not be missed but you will be remembered.

The past year had its share of ups and downs... although to be honest, despite my really depressing posts, 2009 had more ups than downs. I just mostly write about the ups on my paper journal and on my private blog over at Livejournal...

Percy came into my life and hasn't stopped making me smile since. And then as if there wasn't enough cuteness in my life, Sidney was born.

I've had my share of really crippling downs but I have gotten through them somehow.

2010, I'm ready for you. Bring it on.

Answers.

2009-12-23T23:33:00.002+08:00

I've always wondered just how much heartache I can take before I completely and utterly give up.

Now I know.

I'm done.

Smile little duckling, smile.

2009-12-17T19:58:00.002+08:00

Not even a day old and this little duckling is already a charmer. He is such a cute little bug and I'm not saying that because he's my nephew... I mean, c'mon... look at him! Doesn't he just radiate cuteness like the sun radiates warmth?

I could spend an entire day just looking at him.

Mint Condition. Out of the Box.

2009-12-17T00:30:00.002+08:00

"Sid"

Sidney Cloud Canumay Espiritu
Born December 16, 2009 at 9:54PM

A love letter and some sparkly snowmen.

2009-12-14T22:36:00.005+08:00

I considered making another post altogether but I don't want to have a million separate posts in a day so here we go...

I took some pictures.

The problem with Eve.

2009-12-14T18:08:00.003+08:00

We women always say that most men are born with the asshole gene. Mainly true but the condition resulting from said gene is fixable. And also, men are pretty tolerant of each other. They recognize that they're all men and so they learn to live with each others' asshole-ness.

Now, most women, in turn are born with a mutated strain of the competitive bitch gene. Fortunately for men, the gene only turns normally sane women against each other. Men are immune from the resulting mayhem except when they're caught right smack in the middle of an out and out bitch fight.

Why!? Why are females so hell bent on competing against each other? Why!?!? I don't get it. I'm female and I'm completely clueless as to why this keeps happening. You can supposedly be the best of friends and subconsciously still compete with each other. Like who's sexier, who's got the prettier hair, the hunkier guy, the longer legs, the designer clothes... well fuck that.

If I tell you that you win- that you're prettier, smarter, sexier, cooler than a dozen me combined, will you leave me the fuck alone already?

I want to be female and rock. I don't want to be a fucking dramatic bitch and be all, "Waah she stole my thunder, I have to take her down" all the time. Grow up ladies. Seriously, grow some balls.

He's my man. Mine. Go find your own or fuck it, wait your goddamn turn.

Geek Chic.

2009-12-04T18:48:00.002+08:00

Percy got his hands on my eyeglasses. He thinks he can pull it off better. I happen to agree.

I fall under the Etc.

2009-11-29T18:07:00.006+08:00

I think I've finally realized what was so obvious to a lot of other people except myself. I am a geek. I'm pretty sure I'm not the the smartest geek in the world, let's face it, I'm no Sheldon Cooper but I'm damn sure I'm a Velma.

The geek Wikipedia entry defines it as "a slang term, noting individuals as "a peculiar or otherwise odd person, especially one who is perceived to be overly obsessed with one or more things including those of intellectuality, electronics, etc." In case you were wondering, I fall under the etc.

People often say I have an unhealthy obsession towards toys. More specifically toys of the plush variety. I actually subscribe to a lot of toy blog sites and follow many plush designers on Twitter. I currently own, thanks mainly to the boyfriend, an unhealthy number of plush toys of the Shawnimals kind. In fact, I just recently got my greedy little paws on a limited edition plush who I now fondly call, Percy. He's an early Christmas present from the boyfriend. Percy's 16 of 200, signed, sealed, delivered and MINE.

I also own more than the average person's share of books, graphic novels and comic books. I am currently into this really cool graphic novel that chronicles the otherworldly adventures of a heroine called Alexandra Trese. She is my hero. I wanna be like her if I ever grow up. Don't count on it though.

I also prefer wearing graphic tees, jeans and chucks over girly blouses, frilly skirts and high heels. Although, I can probably run and walk better in stilettos than in flip flops and when necessary, I do occasionally put on a dress. I get excited when I see black-framed eyeglasses and often don't really care about make up or jewelry. Some of my female friends have given up on trying to girlify me. Yes, yes... girlify is not a real word... who cares? If you can read it and understand what it means, that's a word. In fact, I'm claiming ownership of the word girlify. So there.

I can't stop watching, talking about, gushing over Big Bang Theory. Sheldon Cooper just amuses the hell out of me. It pleases me a lot that I understand some of the obscure humorous references they make on the show. Some stuff go whoosh but that's easily solvable by Google. I'm not sure how I feel about loving the fact that I'm more Leonard than Penny though. Oh well. C'est la vie.

Ok, most of the geeks out there with IQs that can circle the earth 1238105781 times may or may not think I deserve the title but I still embrace it.

I am a geek. I am Velma. Hear me go off tangent.

Nuq daq yuj da'pol?

He's getting better at it... I swear.

2009-11-28T23:04:00.007+08:00

My heart is bursting with pride.

In other news...

I've been really, incredibly lazy with the blog lately. I have no excuse too. I've had TONS of time to buckle down and write a proper update but all I've managed to do is watch Big Bang Theory episodes that the boyfriend has downloaded for me, play my games and that's about it. Ugh.

Maybe in a few more days I can finally get it together enough to write something... substantial that does not involve how lame my life is, anything plush related or really irrelevant stuff. I wish.

Hide Percy, hide!

2009-11-27T00:10:00.003+08:00

My baby does NOT get the whole concept of being a ninja. Oy vey.

The first of many.

2009-11-19T00:49:00.004+08:00

I ♥ the little bugger.

Like I said, you're going to be sick of Percy and me soon enough.

Until then..... pictures!!

Thankful.

2009-11-12T13:21:00.002+08:00

One day closer to getting my Winter Ninja
♥ Waking up to mushy texts from the boyfriend ♥
Friends who make me laugh
Butterscotch bars
Sheldon Cooper

I need a name!

2009-11-11T14:08:00.005+08:00

He's on his way... just left Chicago about a couple of hours ago. I really don't want to keep calling him Winter but I can't come up with a name. The boyfriend jokingly suggested Percy. At least I hope he was joking.

You're so going to get sick of my Winter Ninja posts. I wish I could say I'm going to stop gushing about him once I have him in my hands but.... there will be photoshoots galore. He shall be blogged about incessantly. There will be daily tweets and twitpics. Facebook statuses shall mostly be about him.

The boyfriend will probably be a bit jealous of him too. It's possible. I'm already in love with him and he's still on a plane on his way to me.

I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested. I just happen to have a really soft spot for Shawnimals ninjas. Cute little buggers.

A change brought about by winter.

2009-11-09T23:09:00.010+08:00

A couple of things.... one, I have to buckle down and revamp this blog already. It's too dark and frankly, I'm so over the old layout. Time to make a change. I'm thinking three columns with a light and fun background. Simple but still amazing. Gotta start looking for ideas. In the meantime, a slight revamp wouldn't hurt.

And... I need to start writing again. I've neglected my journals and I have tons of stories I need to finish. I just need to get my head into the whole creative process again. Gotta stop putting off stuff and start finishing my stories.

Now, the whole reason behind this post is so I could BRAG about something really awesome. First I have to say, I have got THE best boyfriend in the world. He absolutely, amazingly, spectacularly rocks. If you ever find yourselves around him, hold on to your socks...

So... on to the thing I wanted to brag about....

I'm getting a Shawnimals Winter Ninja in just a few days!!!!

Beat that. ♥

On the contrary...

2009-11-02T03:39:00.004+08:00

A line in the movie Sweet Home Alabama best sums up what I'm feeling right now...

"Honey, just because I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid."

You know what I hate? What I really, truly hate? Is when people I love and who claim to love me treat me like I'm some brain dead slug.

Genius I may not be but I'm not stupid either. No sir, I'm not. Just because you THINK you've gotten away with it doesn't mean you've gotten away with it.

If it didn't hurt so effing much, this... all of this would be so freaking hilarious.

A list, some pictures and HRP.

2009-10-28T23:02:00.008+08:00

Five things that I'm grateful for today:
1. My internet connection worked and I was able to load all my pages.
2. Dreamed about really good things and woke up remembering 'em.
3. I was able to take really GREAT pictures of one of my ninjas.
4. Talked to my Ducky and we're on Day 3 of our No Fighting Week.
5. I'm alive, loved and can love.

Some pictures:

HRP
I'm in a really great relationship and because of this, I'm not quite sure how to proceed. I've only ever been in really horrible, really painful relationships so I'm treading on unfamiliar territory. Because of this, my insecurities are surfacing and I've been picking fights with my boyfriend... a lot. I really don't want to argue or even quibble but somehow, I can't seem to stop myself. My insecurities are causing my boyfriend and I some really potentially devastating problems and only recently did I find an explanation as to why I'm the way I am this time around. (God my grammar has gone straight to hell.)

Anyway, I'm suffering from what's known as HRP or Happy Relationship Paranoia. I read about it in a webcomic that, of all people, my boyfriend linked me to. In the comic, HRP is described like so, "It's when you're in a great relationship, but can't stop worrying that you'll fuck it up or that it's gonna end somehow."

Now that I know what it is, I can be more aware of what I'm doing. Just recently we declared a No Fighting Week and so far, it's going great.

A Round Up
There's more but I'm so lazy to sum everything up. Maybe next time.

Inspiration.

2009-10-16T22:27:00.005+08:00

I follow a lot of blogs and as a result, I get inspired by their nifty little ideas and awesomely inspired posts. And because my Mom keeps telling me I need a shot of bliss in my life, I decided to "follow" these awesome people's leads and see if posting about the stuff that makes me happy can actually make me happy. Convoluted but it makes sense in my head. S'what matters, really.

So here goes...

But first, here are a few pictures.

Can't we all just get along?

2009-10-15T01:35:00.004+08:00

After much cajoling and groveling from me, a couple of time outs and the threat of losing their computer privileges, these two decided they can, after all, be friends.

I love happy endings.

My fortune for the day.... PORK!

2009-10-13T00:05:00.002+08:00

New toy alert. Fortune Pork Series 2. His name is Woggle. And I love him to pieces. That is all. Life is just too complicated and depressing right now to warrant a post so this'll hafta do.

Rainy day blues.

2009-10-02T02:32:00.003+08:00

When was the last time you held hands with your significant other? Or just spent the day huddled together under the covers, giggling like fiends over shared jokes... when you last shared a sandwich or a pint of chocolate ice cream? Or when you last spent the day just being together, catching up on each others' lives, making up for lost cuddling opportunities?

Sometimes we forget to stop and just appreciate that when we reach out, there's a hand waiting to take hold of us. We take for granted that a cuddle is only an arm's length away... that a kiss is just a few feet away, in the other room.

I have a boyfriend. A really great one. He loves me and tolerates my many moods. He understands my obsession with toys and sometimes (ok, most of the time...) indulges my whims. He is patient with me despite my legions of flaws and insecurities and petty demands. He talks me through really tough times and comforts me with promises of better days. He surprises me with random emails, peppers me with sweet texts and he calls me babygirl. I'm a very lucky girl, indeed. There isn't a day I don't thank the heavens that I have him in my life.

Everything would be perfect if only he didn't live across the ocean. A bajillion miles away from me. And so everything we do, I horde away for when I need to cuddle. Everything he tells me, I try to remember for the days when I need to be reminded that somebody loves me. All our conversations, savored and recalled during rainy days when all I really want to do is huddle under the covers, with him... giggling over shared jokes, catching up on each others' lives.

Abort. Retry. Fail.

2009-09-28T18:26:00.005+08:00

The last few days have been tough on me... emotionally. It's like fate has it in for me. Like I have no right to happiness. Even temporarily. Everything comes with a goddamned catch.

"Ok, you can have a boyfriend but he has to live on the other side of the world...."

"Ok, you can finally stop being paranoid because this one is honest but you're not going to like the answers so be sure you're prepared to deal with the pain..."

"Sure, you can tell the world you're in a relationship but the world won't necessarily believe you..."

There's something to be said about knowing that your man is 100% honest with you. Specially if you've been in dishonest relationships in the past... but sometimes, the truth, no matter how much you claim you want the whole of it, cuts to the bone.

Why can't I just deal with one fucking depressing aspect of my life at a time? Why must they all happen ALL at FUCKING ONCE?

A post about, what else - ninjas!

2009-09-27T00:29:00.003+08:00

If a picture paints a thousand words, here's a bajillion.

I'm covered until the end of the year.

Happiness is in making lists...

2009-09-11T21:36:00.002+08:00

A lot of people whose blogs I visit daily have posted lists of things that make them happy... what a great idea. And as such, needs to be emulated... so here goes.

10 things that make me happy:

waking up from the fading remnants of a really wonderful dream...
getting sweet random emails and blog comments from my man
grilled cheese sandwiches and soup
a really good book
listening to my kid play his guitar and realizing just how good he is
getting ideas for my shawnimals plush ninjas pictures
a tall glass of iced tea
my mom telling me a really funny joke and laughing with me
gonuts donuts mini chocolate chip cookies
discovering really inspiring blogs of really inspiring people

What's in YOUR bag? Part deux.

2009-09-08T18:36:00.003+08:00

Alright, here's what I have in my bag right now... well in one of my bags at least. I have way too many bags and far too many wallets. So anyway...

I have the following stuff crammed inside my Kamiseta bag:

Make up kit/Overnight toiletries bag
Wallet (yes, it's a new one too... sigh... I admit I have a problem)
That thing that looks like a ramen noodle cup... that's really a coin purse.
Medicine bottles crammed to the brim with pills, capsules and tablets.
Samsung MP3 player
iPhone and pouch.
3 different kinds of flash drives. Again, I acknowledge that I have a problem.
Shaun the sheep plush keychain.
Some random plush keychain for my house keys.
Wet wipes
Comb
My baby of course... I never leave home without him. In case you're wondering, I'm referring to the ninja.

Just typing it all down made my back hurt....

Heaven is made of doughnuts.

2009-09-02T03:11:00.003+08:00

And cupcakes, crullers and so much more... mmmmmm...

New man in my life...

2009-08-30T23:56:00.004+08:00

I only just started reading The Time Traveler's Wife and already, I have fallen head over heels in love with Henry. Sigh.

Move over snuggleums... Mr. DeTamble just came to town.

Electronic bliss on tap.

2009-08-24T01:23:00.002+08:00

I've decided to share some snippets of a few emails I've received within the week. It's been quite a week, lemme tell you that. So full of extreme highs and crashing lows. But that's for another post. Now on to the snippets!

One:
I'm sitting here trying to find words to write rather than doing my work or anything else. I'm not sure why I'm writing this yet, apart from to say how I love you, so I'll keep writing. I'm sorry if it makes no sense.

Two:
Your Facebook statuses get weirder and weirder with each passing post. Turn down the crazy, little missy. It's getting a tad bit too obvious. Yes I know, redundant much.

Three:
I'm keeping my eye on you. You're the only girl I know who needs an emotional babysitter. Who is he and does he know what he's getting into? Don't tell him about the bodies in the basement or he'll run so fast, so quick you'll be having whiplash until 2022.

Four:
We've read your writing samples and we're certainly impressed. You seem to know how to write in different voices. We're sure you'll be a great addition to our pool of writers. We'll be in touch.

Five:
weirdo. stop making fun of her bf! although he really does look like jarjar binks' ass pimple. if you tell her i said so i'll kill you.

Six:
You turd! You never write back! Too busy being a girl? Hahaha! You're turning into a girl! Disgusting. Write back dammit!

Mostly, it's fairly easy to guess which email came from girlfriends and which came from normal, sane people. With friends like that, who needs enemies? Oh but I love 'em all.

Dreamboy.

2009-08-18T01:34:00.001+08:00

me: I hit a jackpot of mellow songs
him: oh?
me: yeah one artist, lots of great put me to sleep and dream of my boy songs
him: aww dream of your boy?
me: yes
me: I like dreaming of you
him: I'm glad you dream of me
him: generally I spend so much time thinking of you before bed..... that I don't remember my dreams ....

How can I read that and NOT be gooey?

A Happy Story.

2009-08-18T00:13:00.004+08:00

Written in under 20 minutes. Unedited yet. Not entirely sure why I'm even sharing it... but I feel that I can't not. So here...

They are entwined- arms and legs strategically wrapped around the other for maximum closeness. The hammock is swaying gently. It was a nice day and they were bound and determined to spend it together doing absolutely nothing other than basking in each others' embrace.

They are wrapped inside their own little world of just the two them. No one else matters, nothing else exists. Her head is on his chest, happily listening to the beat of his heart, secure in the knowledge that it beats only for her. His hand is stroking up and down her back, loving the feel of her warmth on him. Knowing that only he can make her flush with happiness and shiver in delight.

Theirs was a love that knows no boundaries. That has no expectations but every notion of security. They were in love, happy, carefree and right at that very moment, content to let the busy world pass them by.

Tomorrow will see them back in their own lives. Back to the work, to the worries and the fears. But today, today it's just them, their love and the gentle summer breeze.

...

2009-08-17T00:46:00.003+08:00

Consider me back to normal. Ignore the previous post. There's really no use thinking I'll ever end a day on an effing high note.

Fuck this.

Happily Ever After is so Once Upon A Time.

2009-08-16T23:00:00.005+08:00

Despite my very pessimistic subject, I have had the best day today. I woke up to a really lovely comment on my Facebook, I received a very mooshy, very gooey, very nice email from my snuggleums, and to top it all off with a very nice, very big red bow, my big brother Brent made me the happiest girl alive by agreeing to buy me more Ninjatown Micro Plush Series 2 plushies. Sigh. I'm like floating on cloud nine right now.

I also have a new book that I'm sinking my teeth into slowly. Mostly because if I read it the way I normally do which is super fast, then I'll be out of something to sink my teeth into really quickly. So, I'm pacing myself. I'm also less wobbly these days. The world doesn't tilt so much anymore. Life is going great. For once, I have absolutely nothing to nitpick about.

Something borrowed, nothing blue.

2009-08-10T00:24:00.007+08:00

I spent some of today visiting my old online journals. Yes, I have more than one. Moving on, I found a few posts that made me laugh, some that made me cringe and some that just made me ask, "what the hell?"

There were also a hell of a lot of posts talking about, wishing for, obsessing over toys. Quite a number of posts talking about, wishing for and obsessing over boys as well. I'm nothing if not predictable and consistent.

For the longest time though, I really wasn't too keen on posting pictures of myself. I have really horrible self-esteem issues and back then, I'd rather eat glass than post pictures. I think I'm improving though... not all the way great but acceptable. Hey, at least now I post "some" pictures. Some of them even straight from my phone without the benefit of good 'ol Photoshop. Quite a feat, really.

I also regularly posted stories and poetry and essays. Now, not so much. I've become more selfish with my stuff I guess.

And now... on to the pictures.

Happiness is a ninja plush.

2009-08-07T16:32:00.008+08:00

Whenever life gets way too complicated... I inevitably turn to my toys for comfort. And they always, always get the job done.

Shawnimals are a girl's best friend.